It isn't just about covid

I take xrays for a living.  In April, I will have been at my job for 25 years.  It blows people away that I have been there for so long.  I don't know why.  I kind of grew up in an age when that was to be expected and commended.  Longevity meant something.  Holy cow! I just realized that I am gonna be 50 this year and I have been taking xrays for half of my life.  lol!  Oh my stars!  lol!  Anyway...off to the reason for my post.

I am tired some days. Some days I am more tired than others. (I think part of it is because of my age. lol!)  Anyhoo!  We are two years into covid.  Two years.  I can honestly say that I am not tired because of covid.  Allow me to explain.  :)

Most people think of healthcare workers as nurses and doctors.  They are super important.  Life saving in fact.  Heroes even.  And in our area, with so much union talk, and how nurses are treated, you would honestly think they are the only people that work at our hospital.  Please be patient.  I am not a nurse/doctor hater.  Please continue to read my story.

I am one of many people that work at the hospital.  I even hate to begin to name the people that are involved in the care of one patient.  BUT!  Here I go.  Registration, respiratory, EVS (the folks that clean), lab, nutrition, ekg, radiology, transport, cna's, nurses, physicians, security, and just like that I am now drawing a blank. haha!

Did you know that radiology alone houses CT (computed tomography), NM (nuclear medicine), US (ultrasound), MRI (magnetic resonance imaging), and Diagnostic (plain film xrays).  There is also Specials (Interventional Radiology), but at our hospital they are not part of our department.  That is a lot of different specialties.  There is a minimum of a two year degree to do any of these (as far as I know).  We have a lot of schooling to do what we do. And a lot of math!  I hate math!  And science.  lol

Our hospital is an 815 bed hospital!  815!!  That is how many patients we can have! At the hospital!  Umm, the Emergency Room can hold 100 I believe.  Not sure if the 815 includes the 100 or not.  Either way.  That is a lot of patients.  On any given day there are 16 people working in just diagnostic xray.  (Right now that is a good day. lol)  If you divide 815 by 16 employees, that is a minimum of 50 patients per xray tech.  Nurses are busy.  They are short staffed in most areas.  Even up to 8 patients per nurse.  I am by no means comparing the two. (Well maybe I am a smidge.)  Anyway, we have a ton of patients!  A TON!!

Point of my story!  You know the first patient I ever xrayed, EVER, in the ER, as a first year student, was a little older woman who had reached over her stove and her little gown had caught on fire.  She was very badly burned.  I could not get that smell out of my nose.  I thought to myself..."I am not cut out for this".  I was in my mid 20's.  Oh my goodness.  I went home and cried.

Over time I went to work at the children's outpatient clinic at our hospital.  Oh man! That was the most rewarding part of my job that I ever had. Kids are amazing!  They handle pain and life long illness way better than adults.  Man I met some of the most precious humans.  One little boy had OI, osteogenesis imperfecta.  Oh he was precious, and so were his parents.  We saw him on multiple occasions.  But he was just brittle as can be.  One wrong move and we could break a bone so easily.  It was here, at the children's clinic, that I also learned the fine art of a "bone survey".  A bone survey is a series of images done on little ones who they mostly suspect have been abused.  (There is the rare occasion they do them for genetic disorders.)  This is my most proud yet most unsatisfying skill.  Oh I feel like I am pretty good at them but I despise that they exist.  Child abuse. It is an extremely ugly part of our society.  Eyes swollen shut, burns, bruises, and/or deformed body parts.  Oh I love those babies. I pray over them. I ask them where they live and tell them Aunt Neice will come take care of their abuser.  Don't worry. They are never old enough to tell me or to understand what I mean.  I would though.  I just talk to them.  I want them to feel loved, if even for the 30 minutes I have them.  I don't trust you when you come in with your child for that reason. I can't.  I am there for my patient.  I trust what their bones tell me.  Their bones tell the story.  They cry. I hold them.  (It is my consolation prize for making them take 20ish xrays.)  All the while wondering what horrors they have had to see at such a young age.  I love on them.  We see them. All of them.

Car accident, after construction accident, after fall accident.  Any trauma. You name it.  Traumas. We see all of them.  Shootings, stabbings, car accidents, fights, etc.  They are devastating.  A life cut short, or at the very least altered forever.  We see all of them.  I have had to xray a child that was shot (and died mind you and so did three others) and xray the shooter in the room next to them. I want you to understand that you are actually in the room with these patients. You do seem them take their last breath. You do it though.  It's what we do.  We see all of them.

I have had a patient with maggots crawling through their leg due to insufficient care from a wound.  Oh the smell.  Not good after lunch.  :(  You do it though. 

On one particular work day, there was a patient recently diagnosed with lung cancer, with sudden onset of difficulty breathing, and turns out fluid had filled one lung.  They were terrified.  Another young patient was so badly injured they wished for death.  Their injuries were from a car wreck that occurred well over a month ago. They didn't want to live anymore. They had multiple injuries. Another with cancer that was just in a terrible amount of pain. They just pushed through and did the xrays, no matter how painful. I held their hand (all of them) and told them I was sorry.  That we would get them taken care of and help them.  I left work and sat in my car and cried.

I am not telling these things so you will say "awe poor thing", "oh goodness I'm so sorry", "oh you are...blah blah whatever".  I tell you this because there is so much more to what I do than covid.  But while we are on it. I (WE, everyone in my department) do covid too. ALL the covid.  We visit every covid room in the hospital.  I can look at your xray and tell if you have covid and covid pneumonia. However, they are a small portion of what I do.

In addition to those very few I mentioned above, we also check pacemakers, pneumonia, pneumothorax, any broken bone in your body, line placements, arthritis, tube placements, swallow studies, aspiration, more cancers, and a ton of different surgery cases.  Hey, guess what, I have only mentioned what happens in the diagnostic portion of radiology....and that isn't even the half of it.

Sometimes I look at an xray and my heart sinks.  I look up at the patient and smile.  (Well not that you can see it that much anymore with masks.)  "Thank you so much honey. Hope you get to feeling better."  You offer a "is there anything else I can do for you before I go".  And off you go...to the next patient.  To the next heart wrenching story.

So my point?  We were tired before covid...not because of covid.  We are tired of jerks that beat up kids, people that do drugs, cancer, flu, obesity, car accidents, occupational accidents, diabetes, strokes, homelessness...I can't even begin to continue the list of what I am tired of.

   

Pictures for self promotional purposes. ;) I hate to sound rude but I am tired of the "whoa as me I am a healthcare worker during covid".  This!  This is our job!  This is what we chose to do.  Times have been tough off and on for years. There is an ebb and flow in healthcare.  Has been for years.  And now all of healthcare is for profit. 

Healthcare is hard. This is not new territory.  End of story.  Just go hug all the healthcare people you know.  Not just nurses and doctors.  It truly takes us all to help you and to get you the care you need.  And not just because of covid.  But because cancer sucks and there are mean people in the world.  Some days are just harder than others.  Much love to all those that work in healthcare.

Kenny's healing was not for him...

I just wanted to take a minute and put down Kenny's covid story.  I am not 100% convinced he was healed for his own sake.  I'll tell you why.  

This is the account leading up to him being admitted. Kenny got sick the first week of December. He did not want to go to the doctor since he felt like he only had a sinus infection. He is so stubborn.  He tried one day but the urgent care forgot about him outside and he left and came home after two hours of waiting.  On Friday after almost a week total of being sick, I made him go to a different urgent care where he tested positive for Covid.  By that night he was getting worse, so off to the ER we went.  He was given a steroid and an inhaler and sent home.  He had a chest xray while he was there and it showed no pneumonia.  Monday morning he was doing pretty bad (of course he tried not to let me know) he told me he was going to just go Pardee to get the infusion because they had been trying to fit him in since Friday and they wouldn't return his call.  Kenny got the infusion and his O2 sats dropped, so they took him next door to their ER.  I would just like to say this...I will not return to Pardee.  The ER was very ugly and wouldn't even let me talk to Kenny.  I wanted him out of there. The doctor even told me that I have no say over his care.  Okay...I will leave it there. He came out and we went straight to Mission.  I work there. I am more comfortable there. I know he will be taken care of there. (Even though it feels like most of this area hates Mission hospital, there are good people there.)

So now is the story of his time in the hospital.  We went to the ER and after waiting several hours, he got a room. They did a CT and his lungs looked awful. I knew he was sick but I just wasn't prepared for him to be in that bad of shape. They were bad.  This is what I do and I see lungs all day long.  His, especially for two days time, looked really bad.  I cried.  He was admitted a short time later and I was able to go with him.  I prayed for Kenny. Prayed he would not get any worse.  I was nervous a little I think, but I felt like he would be ok.  I think.  This is Monday night.

He seemed consistent until Wednesday. Wednesday afternoon/evening I had him all squared away.  He had eaten, he was sitting in a chair, gone to the bathroom, his tray was beside him, and he had a full water.  I took that time to run grab me something to eat and I was back in 10 minutes. I would do that for food.  I would run to the cafeteria and grab a bite or get doordash, thanks to my amazing coworkers.  I was never gone very long to grab food.  Like 10 minutes.  This night when I got back he was back in the bed again.  I freaked a bit and asked why.  He said he had been there the whole time, he had yelled for me, thought I had been gone for an hour, and all kinds of crazy stuff.  His O2 sats looked fine, so I just decided he maybe was just fatigued?  I don't know, I wasn't prepared for that.  A couple of hours go by and his night nurse comes in for meds. He talks to him for at least five minutes.  The nurse goes over to the computer and Kenny looks dead at me and wants to know who they are and what are they doing there. Mind you they were completely suited up, gown, PAPR hood (see below), the whole nine yards, so I can see how he might have been concerned.  lol!  But no! He had no idea he had been talking to them.  I looked at that nurse and was like we have a huge problem. And that was our first bad night.  Kenny was hypoxic.  The nurse had no clue because he had not been with him until then.  He hadn't come in to his room when is O2 sats would dip down. (He was my least favorite nurse, who I am pretty sure was a 12 year old traveler.)  Kenny was not doing good.  He escalated quickly to vapotherm and was put on 45L of O2 at first on 60%. That moved up quickly to 60L at 90%.  So we got to see lab, respiratory, and xray within no time.  Again saw his lungs and they were even worse than on Monday. I was terrified to be quite honest. I knew where this was headed.  

This and a bright yellow gown can be a little terrifying I guess. lol

I had been texting with family and close friends for prayer.  I immediately turned to them again. Urgently!  We had nothing else. No other hope for him to improve. Kenny is pretty private and I knew he didn't want a lot of people to know, so I had kept it to just our family and close friends to message.  Respiratory, charge nurse, they were all saying that he was declining rapidly. That he would be most likely headed towards a vent. That it happens very quickly and he could need that soon. I got him calm (breathing wise) and asleep and I just prayed.  My family and friends were praying. I was standing over him, I placed my hands on his back and I just prayed.  This same night I had a friend tell me to place my hands on him as she prayed over him.  Lots of prayers!

At one point on this night, I literally told the Lord, "I need you to see me".  Yes, I know this is about Kenny.  He was the one sick. But this is the point of my story....I don't think his healing is about him.  A little back story.  I have not been to church since March of 2020. (Well I did one time with Kenni last year to a sweet church in Swannanoa.)  I honestly have no desire to go. The church can be a hurtful place.  Honestly, I felt abandoned.  Like I didn't matter to Him.  Like He didn't see me anymore. I have been hurt. You will never hear me say I am a perfect person. Ever!  I'm not!  Too often though, if you don't fit a certain mold, you don't fit in, and you don't belong.  I haven't felt like I could get a prayer past the tip of my fingers.  I felt like I had really let the Lord down somehow, for Him to let me go through the things I was going through. Going through at the hands of "His people". To feel as lost as I did.  Wounds are deep when they come from within.  I NEEDED to see the Lord with Kenny's sickness and his healing. I needed to know, that through it all, I still mattered to Him.  This may sound selfish or self righteous.  Not at all.  I needed God!  I needed Him to show up and show off!  And as much as I was dependent on other's prayers...I needed Him to hear mine.

Thursday came and he was on the 60L for the next few days.  We had some hard talks on those next few days.  Where is this paperwork and that paperwork. He told me to sell all of his "toys" when he passed because I could use that money.  He told me he was tired of fighting and wanted to quit.  He wanted me to make sure the girls knew how much he loved them.  Lots of things said that I didn't want to be said or talk about.  He was giving up.  I just kept praying.

Sunday night was the first I posted on social media about Kenny.  He wasn't doing great but I knew more prayer would get him better.  I needed more prayers for him. I thought this is it. It will be the "volume" needed.  Sunday night was awful. haha!  He did worse after I asked for prayers. I was like ...ummm...this is not the way this works Lord.  I ask for more prayers... he gets better.  Got it?  haha!  Nope.  Kenny had another really bad night.  I think it was early Monday morning when the night nurse told me that he was going to get moved to the unit and she ordered a pulmonary consult. (Weird, I know, that he wasn't being followed by them already.)  I was devastated.  We were going in the wrong direction again.  I immediately alerted my ever faithful prayer chain. I refused to let this happen. I was praying so hard.  And I was coaching him.  I coached him and coached him.  I convinced them to just give him a chance.  In the night we had taken him off vapotherm because he was just so restless and he had the nasal canula and a non-rebreather on at the same time. Both of which were set at 15 L.  I was like Kenny honey....we gotta stay here babe.  We are not going back on that vapotherm.  You can do this! We are holding steady.  We are not going to the unit.  We are not going back on that. I just kept begging him to breathe. Encouraging rather.  Just really kept him focused.  All the while....praying.  As I said above, I needed God to hear my prayers and heal him.

The doctor came in that morning and for whatever reason...he agreed. He thought Kenny was going to improve and didn't see why he needed the unit.  He felt like we could wait a bit.  He thought he might be ok to stay on the 15L since his sats were ok.  But he did say it would be several days before he could come down from there.  Maybe even weeks.  You have to be on 6L to go home.  It was then that I issued a plea to pray for that requirement to come down.  Saturday was Christmas!  I wanted to be home with the girls for Christmas.

From there the story flies. On Thursday morning the dr felt like if he could handle 6L he could go home that day!  I couldn't believe my ears.  It truly was a miracle. Kenny, just in the wee hours of Monday morning was facing the unit and a vent.  But here we were on Thursday afternoon heading home.

I prayed more during Kenny's almost two weeks in the hospital than I have in years!  I knew God could heal Him and somehow...even though in the dark of night I would cry and plead with Him as I watched the monitor (all night long)...I knew He heard me.  And of all the prayers that were going up...I knew that He had heard mine.

Oh I'm not going to pretend like the hurt is gone.  But the ones that hurt me were people.  Not God.  Also not going to pretend that I understand why He let any oh my hurts happen.  But I know He loves me.  I am far from perfect. Far from the clean cut, polished version that others maybe expect. I am healing too.  I needed to be heard and healed.  Being heard helped.  Now for the healing and getting back to the one that can heal.

Let's rip the bandaid off!!

Well...we have been in quarantine for...well forever it seems!  I say let's get things back to normal!  No really!  I truly think it is the only way.  And I'll tell you why...

I am one of those moms that always thought it was better just to take the bandaid off with one quick motion.  Better than prolonging the inevitable if you ask me. haha!  My kids may not have agreed with that theory.  Don't worry...I used the theory on myself more than I did them.  ;)

If you don't know this about me, I take xrays at the hospital.  So I am frontline against this.  I am right there in the mix of it. I take portables all over the hospital, on every floor, and in every department. I understand that this virus is scary and deadly.  You can see it on the faces of coworkers and patients.  People are scared.  As they should be maybe. This is a new virus, and information about it continues to change.  Here are some numbers for Covid-19.

According to the CDC, the numbers for the US as of today are:
Total cases: 579,005
Total deaths: 22,252

According to the WHO, numbers for the world are:
Total cases: 1,844,863 confirmed
Total deaths: 117,021 deaths 

Let us compare that to the flu.  Here are the influenza numbers.
According to the CDC, as of April 4th, the US numbers are:
Total cases: 39,000,000 - 56,000,000
Total deaths: 24,000 - 62,000

According to the WHO (Which are dealing mostly with guestimates that I have found. As you can see they don't seem to add up):
Total cases: 3,000,000 -5,000,000
Total deaths: 250,000 - 500,000

Regardless, the numbers just aren't there to cause the alarm that has been raised.  I have said from the beginning that I think the government is over reacting to the closing of almost everything. I have also been a supporter of the "stay home, stay safe".  Let me explain.  I feel like if the government issued such an order that I should do my part to honor that.  I should give them time to figure out resources, reallocate items if needed, and get a grasp of this if it is going to get out of hand.  I was also super hopeful that it would encourage the government to loosen the strings if people were complying and then we could just move on already.

NC is supposed to peak tomorrow, April 15th.  That is our peak date...the date with the highest number of Covid-19 cases.  We have had no where near the numbers that even I thought we might have.  
Depending on where you live in this country, you may not be experiencing the same thing. In NY for example, they have had higher numbers of Covid-19 positive patients.  And that makes sense.  Many are practically living on top of each other within the city.  A lot of things I have read about NY hospitals say they were already struggling before the virus hit, so that also would make sense for them to be in more of a need for health care workers.  (I don't live there so I can't say that from first hand experience.)

Where we live, we depend a great deal on the travel industry.  We NEED people to visit here. To stay at our hotels. To eat at our restaurants.  To visit our landmarks and tourist attractions.  It is the livelihood of the area.  The people here are struggling.  Not just the tourist industry but every business here.  We are not NY.  We do not live on top of each other.  We do not have the same outbreak numbers that NY or other areas have had or are having.  (Sorry I keep using NY because they seem to be the most talked about.)

The government has shut down every "non-essential" business so that we can flatten the curve. Over 3.3 million people have applied for unemployment. Which suggests an increase from just over 3% to a possible jump to 9% or even 12%. (Really depends on what you read.)  I have even seen some estimate it could jump to 20%.

Areas of this country need to start back to work. We can't take much more of this!  We really can't.  Some will say that we shouldn't rush back too quick. But you know what?!  People are going to get sick anyway. This virus isn't going anywhere just because we "flattened the curve" or our numbers did not go as high as they thought.  We are at home people.  We are only putting it off.  Once we get out and about...YES...numbers will start to go up again.  That is how it works.  We either stay in and hope the virus goes away, crash the entire economy, and people get sick on the tail end.  OR, we get back to work before our economy crumbles and people get sick now.  Those are our options.

People with immune problems should stay home and be cautious. Just as they should with the flu.  Everyone should be more careful.  Just as they should with any illness.  We need to do better.  But better does not include the economy falling out from under us.

Sorry but that is my opinion.  Everyone has one. But a lot of people agree with me.  We need to rip the bandaid off!!!!!!

A picture is worth a thousand words

I worked late tonight, later than I have been.  I called Lola on the way home to chat and I told her "oh hey, tomorrow is picture day". No biggy right?! Well we hung and I got to thinking, TOMORROW is picture day.  Tomorrow...it's PICTURE day.  Tomorrow is picture day.  What I should say is...tomorrow is picture day without Kenni. :(

Ever since we have been doing homeschool and doing pictures at classes (ya know....like normal school kids..lol), we have done a picture with all three of us girls.  The girls were always dressed the same.  Same color, or same shirt in a different color, same.  I always tried to find something in the same color scheme as well. So cheesy, I know!  lol!  We loved it though.  That is one of the great things about our group.  We could run up to the picture room and all three of us hop in for a pictutre together and I would get ones with just the two of them. The three musketeers.  The older they got, the girls still matched and I still tried to squeeze in at least one quick picture with them.  Oh they would hesitate a bit...but I know they loved it. haha!

Tomorrow, however, is a different story.  Tomorrow, Lola and I will do a picture without Kenni.  So tonight it dawned on me...that yeah....tomorrow we will do a picture without Kenni.  It didn't help, that I also realized that it has been a month since I got to hug her.  A whole month without just...just hugging her.  So yeah...don't mind me...just going to wallow around in my self-pity for a minute.  haha!

Adventures in Missions has a parent ministry to help parents adjust to all that is going on with their racer.  One of the things they do is what they call Launch, it is the weekend that the racers leave and you go drop them off.  They offer sessions to the parents and joint worship time with your racer.  It is two days of time and then you say goodbye.
While we were at Launch, one of the things they told us as parents was:  "the worst thing that you can do for your racer, is to be in the same place when they get back as you are when they left".  One of the worst things that I can do is to stay where I am.  To not move forward in my relationship with God and to not grow while she is gone.
I haven't been doing that.  Just gonna be honest.  I am still kind of grieving a bit.  I realize that that has to sound incredibly disrespectful to someone that has literally lost a child, spouse, or anyone close in their life.  I don't mean it that way.  I know that I will get to see her again and that this will end, but right now I just miss her.
I know that she does not want me to be sad. And truthfully, I have done way better than I ever thought I would do. I have some great friends that I know are praying for me.  I can feel that.  I know that I would not be doing as well without those prayers.
So those pictures of cute kiddos dressed alike with their hair fixed special...those pictures are great memories. Tomorrow we have to start a new memory and I need to start moving forward to.  I don't want her to get too far ahead of me, ya know.  haha!  Every time I feel sad or bummed that she is missing a tradition, I need to use that time to focus on moving forward.  I don't want to be sitting here, in this same spot when she returns.  I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to be better.

Stop praying for God to use your kids!

Yes! You read that right!  Stop praying for God to use your kids!!  UNLESS of course you really mean it!  Hear me out!

When your kids are little you (Christian parents) pray for them: their safety, that they will make good choices, be kind, meet and marry a nice Christian man/woman, and "for God to 'use' them" somehow.  (The list could go on for days.) Those are all great and wise prayers.  Then your child starts growing up.

One day, after years of talking about it, our young (YOUNG) teenager comes to us and begs us to go on a mission trip. "You are 12 honey!  But that is just so cute!  Look at her honey, she wants to go on a mission trip.  We should let her go...I mean with one of us of course."  Next year..."mommy can we go back?"  She has been bitten by the bug! (Err...the Holy Spirit that is.)  You are just super proud that they would want to spend time serving.  Reaching out to un-reached (and under-reached) people.

Fast forward a bit.  It's senior year.  We are checking out colleges, doing the visits, narrowing down to the best one that fits where she is wanting to be and what she is wanting to be.  You start to see that this little person...is not really little.  She is actually going to leave me to go live with other people's little persons and go to school there.  She won't be at my house anymore, eating all my groceries or leaving messes everywhere.  But she also won't be piling up on my couch to watch TV with me, running errands with me just so we can talk, or coming to me with what happened to her that day.  You just gotta give up and decide...ya know what...I can jump in the car and drive a couple of hours if I miss her. Or, we can go for a weekend and watch a football game together.  I can do this!  I got this!  Home on some weekends and definitely holidays.  Shwoo!  Crisis averted!  I can do this!

Dangit!! And if that wasn't going to be hard enough...the little rascal throws me a curve ball and says "hey mom, I heard about this thing called the World Race.  I want to do that next year."  I say: "What?  You want to what?  Umm...I don't think you can do a race around the world (the show on TV) and ya know...do stuff to win.  Sorry babe, I don't want to kill your dream but no.  You are not cut out for that sweetie."  Yeah that is not the race she was talking about.  haha!

And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?"  Then I said, "Here I am! Send me." 
Is 6:8

So now!  Here I sit telling you not to pray for God to use your kids. Why? Because I haven't hugged my girl in 5 days.  Because it is hard!  Because she is going to third world countries without an adult....BECAUSE SHE IS THE ADULT!!  Because! Because!  Let me tell you right now, it is not for the faint of heart.  Even with all of the technology that we have today the separation is gut wrenching.  I am just being truthful!

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you adn I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. 
Is 46:4

BUT!!  But then I see pictures of her being the best her!  I see a message from her about how amazing this journey is so far.  I read her recently updated blog and see how God is already moving in her.  Man!  Fine!  She wins!  She is EXACTLY where God wants her to be.  No matter what!  (Geesh that is SO hard to say!)  NO MATTER WHAT!!!!  No matter what happens, she really is where God wants her to be.  She will be able to meet people and tell them about Jesus by being an example of what Jesus looks like.  Teaching English, building things, cleaning things, helping who knows who, doing who knows what!  And I can honestly say to you...don't pray for God to use your kids in a mighty way...if you are not ready for Him to take you seriously.  Because trust me!  He will use them!  And although that might look like something in your neighborhood or across town.  Heck it might even be in another state. Or it might be something that looks like your precious little one traveling to four different countries over a nine month period.

And in case you have not figured it out yet!  I really do want you to pray big things for your kiddos.  Truly I do.  But more importantly, I want you to also pray for God to prepare YOU for what that is.  Pray that He would prepare YOU for that empty feeling you have when you walk by your child's bedroom.  Pray that He would go before your little one (actually big now) and prepare a multitude of opportunities for them to share His love for people.  Pray for your heart to be filled with all the love, joy, and peace that can only come from Him.  He will give you that!  You will be sad and miss your kiddo if they head off to the other side of the world...but there will be a peace that is only explained by Him.  I talk big!  ;) lol!

With His love He will calm all your fears. 
Zeph 3:17

A sweet friend told me last week:  "Just remember that there were once 9 months of Kenni Grace's life when you couldn't see her, but you knew she was there and growing."  Another dear friend confirmed that same thought to me just days later.  Wow!  How true is this!
When we were pregnant with Kenni, we didn't find out what she was.  We also didn't do any of the testing to see if there were any things we needed to be "concerned" about. We didn't care.  We just wanted "the baby" here.  Of course we prayed for a healthy baby, but we were trusting Him and going to take what He gave us.  So for these nine months we are holding on to that same trust we had 18 years ago.  I can't "see" her (other than social media).  I can't touch or hold her.  In nine months we will have her here. In our arms and home again.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Ps 139:13-14

Kenni's plans for gap year

So I was finally able to "share" Kenni's post about her plans to do the Gap Year program with the World Race today.  It isn't that I am not proud of her...nor was I in "complete" denial that it was going to happen....I just needed time.  Time to process and come to grip with what she has chosen to do next year.  Well that hasn't happened yet...so I posted anyway. haha!

For a believer in Christ, my appropriate response should be (and is...just keep reading) super proud, honored, thankful, and overjoyed at the prospect of the opportunity that lies ahead for my daughter.  Thankful that God chose her and has put a call on her life.  Her daddy and I have prayed for her since she was a baby that God would use her in a mighty way. (Same prayer for Lola.)  That she would follow God's will in her life.  That He would bless her in mighty ways.  So basically this is my fault...but I will blame her daddy. haha!  Only kidding!

My earthly self is feeling selfish and hurt.  Really.  Why on earth would she want to spend nine months away from me?  I carried her for nine months for crying out loud!!  I just let her spend a whole month in Guatemala!  Now!  Now I have to lose her for no less than nine holidays!  NINE!  (What is with nine here?)  We can't talk every day!  I won't be able to physically touch her.  I can't help her.  I can't get to her.  If she is sick I won't be there.  Who knows how often we will get to talk and/or see her via video messaging.  And as silly as it sounds, I have already shed tears for the days we will miss with her. I know...it sounds very silly.  But my earthly self doesn't care. She is my baby and I can't stand the thought of not seeing her and talking to her.  She is my first born. She is my sweet Kenni.  And she is my friend.  I enjoy her company so much.  If your child is going into the military you face this.  And I am sorry.  If your child has passed away...this must seem very unfair and selfish of me.  And for you I am truly sorry.  I am just being real and pouring out my momma heart here for a minute.

Please know this!  I really am beyond proud.  BUT!  This is what I see when she sits across the table telling me she wants to do this.  This little bitty girl wants to go out into the big mean world and tell people about Jesus.  (Kenni, left and Lola, right)

I see her excitement!  I know that she is 110% sure this is her calling in life.  Never seen anyone so sure of anything in their life.  She knows!

But let me tell you what else she knows...the risks.  About the time this was all getting finalized (well in her head anyway), there was another young man on the other side of the world who was living out Kenni's calling.  Also "doing" what Kenni is called to do.  His name is John Chau, a young man that felt the call to share the Jesus to a remote island in India.  Sadly he lost his life doing that...but that call was the same.  (Feel free to google about him.)

I don't care to debate whether you think John was right in doing what he did...only telling the story as it effects my story and where my heart/head are at.  I heard about his story and immediately text it to Kenni.  Here is the link I sent her:

John Chau was no fool

I did not get a response from Kenni.  A day or so went by and I asked her if she had read the link I had shared with her, and she said yes.  I said honey I absolutely forbid you to do this!  No really!  I did!  She said no (as in you can't tell me what to do "no").  Please promise me you won't do this, I said.  She conceded and promised that she would not do this...next year.  Next year she will not put herself in harms way...well no more than what she is going to be in being in the World Race.  She looked at me and said this though. (This is the whole reason I am writing this post.)  But mom, that is what we are supposed to do.  That is what we are ALL called to do.  So yeah...nothing like your 17 year old daughter putting you in your place...biblically speaking.  It really does blow me away how she truly gets the gospel.  Now don't get me wrong...that girl is still 17 and has SO much to learn.  haha!  She is smart and wise beyond her years sometimes...and other times just typical 17.  haha!  She is much more spiritually intelligent than I am however.

My head knows that we are supposed to travel to the ends of the earth to proclaim the gospel.  (Matthew 28:19-20)  My heart does not want that to be my little girl.  Just being real!  Truthful!  Fleshy! (Pretty sure that is a word.)  But truly!  It IS what we are called to do!  It really is!  How is that I am being punked by my own kid.  Haha! I know for a fact she would go willingly somewhere to share the gospel with people that don't know Jesus.  And she won't back down from her beliefs.

SO....I am telling you all of this to say...please pray for my girl.  And if you don't mind pray for us.  We will miss her terribly!  All three of us (myself, Kenny, and Lola) are all very proud of Kenni and what she is doing. 

I feel like we have failed!

When I was growing up I never knew who my dad voted for.  Well there was this one time...he was running for Board of Education (I think)...so I feel pretty confident he voted for himself. haha!  Otherwise...couldn't tell ya!  Oh I had my guesses...but usually he would neither confirm nor deny.  I can honestly say that has never changed.  I don't live with my dad...or even in the same state for that matter...so the conversation comes up even less than it did when I lived at home.  haha!  But like I said, I had my guesses.

I don't look back at this as a bad thing.  I personally felt like he wanted me to do my own research and form my own opinion.  He also wanted me to respect the office regardless of my opinion.  (Well at least I think that is what he was going for. lol)  My parents both taught me the importance of respecting authority and anyone that held an official office.  Respect.  A couple of years ago Obama came to visit Asheville.  It was a Sunday.  I did not vote for Obama...but the buzz of him being here was a bit exciting.  Respect the office.  We actually drove out towards Swannanoa because we knew his barricade was going to be coming back through and I wanted to show the girls.  So, on the opposite side of I40 we pulled over and watched his barricade go by and head back to the airport to leave.  We were within 100 yards of the President of the United States of America!  Very cool!  Respect.

I am trying to figure out how we got to 2017.  How we got to be a country that has lost respect.  A country that can't "agree to disagree".  A country that riots and protests at the drop of a hat.  I honestly do not want to argue with anyone. I really, really don't.  I truly am just blown away by what is going on in our country.  It saddens me really.  I don't want this for my daughters, for my neices, or for anyone.

Let's be honest.  Neither of our presidential candidates for this election were worth bragging about.  We all deserved better choices.  We deserved the best that America had...and we didn't get it.  (Unfortunately in politics...there seem to be very few of those.)  There were things on both sides that were blown out of proportion (and context) by the media.  To be honest, if there is any one entity that Americans should collectively be angry at...it should be the media.  Splice it, dice it, any way you like it...you can't believe anything anymore unless you heard it yourself, in person.  The media are a crafty little bunch.

Quick side note.  Just to be fair, there were a few additional candidates.  Unfortunately, we all knew that voting for one of them was not going to get them a win.  It was more voting your conscience.

Why have we become so filled with hate and anger at one another?  Why would you hate a person that doesn't vote for the same person as you?  Why? We can't all agree on everything.  It isn't humanly possible.  I don't care which side of the fence you fall on, you can't possibly condone all of the negativity and just hate filled posts that are popping up everywhere on social media.  (I will be honest, there have been some funny memes that I have gotten a chuckle out of.  haha!)  There have been violent attacks on individuals.  And can someone help me out with all the state representatives that do not plan to go to the inauguration?  All the protests that are planned.  Oh wait...and a celebrity actually calling for martial law?  Oh mercy!  What have we done?  Where did we go wrong?  As a country!?

We have become a country that, when we don't get what we want, we pitch a tantrum like a two year old.  This is not Upward!  We do not all get to be the winner.  Not everyone gets a trophy.  Why do college students (that are adults mind you) need counseling, pizza, or a break from a test all because their person didn't win the election?  We have failed as a nation if we are raising young men and women to believe that if you don't win, you roll around on the floor and kick and scream.  Nowhere will you hear me say that you can't be upset.  Nowhere will you hear me say that you can't own your feelings...or that you don't have a right to feel that way.  But please know...it is not okay for anyone to ruin a business due to rioting.  It is not okay for a college to let you out of taking your exams because your candidate didn't win the election.  We are not teaching our kids to grow up!  To cope with disappointment!  To deal with life!

I wish more than anything that we, as a country, could all try to move forward.  I wish more than anything that we could see the negativity stop.  I just wish we could all...try.  Donald Trump is our President.  It is what it is.  Whether you or I voted for him or not.  Is there anything good coming from the negativity?  Does anyone really win if people keep fighting?  My fear is no and this will continue to get worse.  If nothing else, respect for the office, whether you voted for him or not.

Life is challenging.  Life doesn't always give you what you want.  We all fail at some point.  We all get dumped or rejected.  We need to be teaching our kids how to deal with these disappointments.  To deal with life!  Whatever you choose to believe in.  We must somehow teach our kids to cope with what life throws them!

Lumberton

I am so overwhelmed by the generosity shown this week for Lumberton.  I am blown away.  God moved in a big way to provide a lot of great things for Lumberton.  I am so grateful to have been able to be just a small part of it.
For years I have felt a strong pull to do mission and disaster relief type things.  I haven't been able to do any relief trips yet and as Hurricane Matthew came in, my mind began to churn.  I really wanted to do something.  For a few days I tried to play out every scenario in my head to try and make it work.  I was going to go work in one of the areas that had been devastated by the flooding.  I didn't care how...but I was going!  I prayed and asked God to make this work.  haha!   Well long story short, God helped me to see that that was not His plan and that this was not my season for going and doing.  While I am coming to this realization, I am seeing all of the posts from my friend Shannon, whose husband had family in Lumberton, NC.  I don't know that I had ever heard of Lumberton before that.  So I followed her page very closely and I truly feel like God wanted me to do a drive for Lumberton...by way of Shannon and Kelvin.  So this is where my season is...helping and providing for others to be able to go and do.
My heart breaks for the people of Lumberton and the other areas that were effected by Hurricane Matthew.  I can't imagine how devastating that must be to lose everything you own.  It seemed like everything on TV was still focused mostly on the election, and just about all of the negativity and hate in the world.  I really wanted to see more on the flooding.  I felt like they were being pushed aside.
Ya know...here's the thing.  Lumberton is not Republican or Democrat.  Lumberton is not white or black, hispanic or indian.  Lumberton is not gay or straight.  Lumberton is not christian or atheist.  Lumberton is not pro-life or pro-choice.  Not right now anyway.  Lumberton is/was under water.  Lumberton is out of jobs.  Lumberton is without homes.  Lumberton is without clothes.  Lumberton is just plain without.  I obviously don't know anyone there nor am I going to pretend to know what they are thinking or going through.  But I would venture to say that none of those things matter to Lumberton right now, but what does matter is where is the next meal coming from; where are they going to live; or how are they going to take care of their children.
You see...I needed to follow what God wanted me to do.  (And man what a blessing it has been to me.)  I wanted to be something positive with all the negative things going on.  I wanted for Lumberton to know that they were not being overlooked.  I really do want them to know that people care about them and haven't forgotten.  I want them to know that we stand with them even if we can't go and serve beside them.
So...here I am now...with a full Uhaul sitting in my driveway waiting for me to take to Fort Mills and then it will go on to Lumberton.  I am beyond honored to have been given the opportunity to help make a difference.  There are so many people that donated and I am forever grateful!  Lumberton, we love you!

I protest!

I am a Miami Dolphin fan.  I know people who love the Cowboys.  And yet others that like the Broncos.  And for some reason there are Steelers and NY Jets fans.  ;)  I don’t know all of the stats on other teams, but I am going to point out some of Miami’s.  However, don’t worry, this post is still relevant to all NFL fans.  So read on!

I am going to start with 2006...just to go back a nice round 10 years.

2006  W 6, L 10

2007  W 1, L 15

2008  W 11, L 5

2009  W 7, L 9

2010  W 7, L 9

2011  W 6, L 10

2012   W 7, L 9

2013  W 8, L 8

2014  W 8, L 8

2015  W 6, L 10

A little inconsistent…and definitely not a winning streak.  We have remained steadfast fans…weary…but steadfast.

I point out this record to show that they are not perfect…this is not a perfect record.  This record shows struggle and failure…as well as the wins.  I mean look at 2007.  Yikes!  Man if I was them I would not want to be judged by that one year alone.  Hmm….we are fans even though I feel like they have fallen below my expectations of them.

As a fan it can be tough.  You want to walk into work on Monday and be proud.  You get tired of catching crap at the water cooler in years like 2007.  It’s tough for the fan of any team!  But die hard fans…well…are die hard.  We continue to support our team!  You continue to support the team you love no matter what their record is.  They aren’t perfect!  The receiver doesn’t catch every pass.  The quarterback doesn’t connect with every target.  Sometimes our offense goes off sides.  Sometimes there is a flag for a face mask.  I could go on…but I will admit…my football knowledge is not 100%.  I am working on it though.  My point is that there is not a perfect game.  Even when my team wins, the other team didn’t play as hard.  If my team loses, the other team played better.  There are flags called on plays because someone dropped the ball…and in this game that means literally dropped the ball.

If every fan of every NFL team protested every time their team “dropped the ball”, or even less…if they protested every time their team ended in a losing season, there would most likely be no more fans and essentially no more NFL.

Stay with me…it’s coming!

Well this is what I compare the NFL players protests by kneeling during our National Anthem to.  Your protesting what is going on in racially volatile areas, and what you feel is ALL police brutality.  You are judging the actions of a very few and protesting a whole group.  You are not standing for our National Anthem and showing your pride in our country, no matter how tough things are getting.  You won’t stand for pride in the country that pays you overinflated salaries.  You make more in one game than most people that are fighting to protect you make in a year.  I get that there is a huge difference between racial diversity and whether you caught a pass or not.  However, the support is the same.  The support, or lack there of, is what I am questioning.  I do not understand this. 

For me, the wife of a firefighter and the sister in law to a Navy diver…who both happen to be HUGE Dolphin fans…where is your support of them?  Where is your support of the people working hard to protect this country?  Standing for OUR National Anthem supports the efforts of those who fought for you to have a right to play ball and earn that ridiculous salary.  It supports what they do daily.  And of all days…you feel like 9/11 would be a great idea?  I just don’t get it.  I don’t get it today…and I won’t get it any day.  For me…this does not make me sympathetic to your cause…nor does it start a conversation that you want started.  For me you feel like a spoiled rich kid with nothing better to do that wants to get their way.

For me, this also just makes more division.

So for me personally…the 4 Miami players that took a knee today...disappointed me.  I was looking forward to a good football game today with my firefighter hubby…yeah the big Dolphin fan.  A day that should be a day of AMERICANS…doing AMERICAN things…like watching a great American past time…football.  I felt like this was the best way to remember those that died on 9/11…to spend it with my family being an American.

I love this country!  Right now I am terrified about the election...not gonna lie.  However, I love our country.  I wish we could go back to the days after 9/11...when it felt like everyone was an American!

Crazy storms!

So, we celebrated our anniversary this week.  Our plan for the day was hiking and just goofing off.  Eat at a couple of different restaurants we had heard about and then call it a day.  I had been watching the weather and knew to expect rain.  I was kind of bummed a bit to be honest...but I was determined to have a good anniversary day…celebrating!

Funny thinking back to our wedding day…we got married on a Sunday….in August.  I have no idea what I was thinking because it was outside.  Hot!!  Anyway, it was rainy that morning.  Nothing like we have had this week, just a little rain shower.  I don’t remember thinking anything of it at the time.  Well maybe a little worried because I think someone said it was bad luck. Haha!

Last weekend we decided to go hike at Graveyard Fields with the girls since we hadn’t been in so long.  I forgot two things, that the girls were so little when we went before that they couldn’t really remember the parkway and that I myself forgot how beautiful it is.  It is definitely something I take for granted living here.  It was fun to watch the girls watch the mountains.  And of course they wanted to try and find our house.  Haha!  It was so incredibly beautiful!!

So when Kenny and I went for our hike this week we decided to go back up and find Skinny Dip Falls.  Somehow neither one of us had been and we wanted to scope it out before we took our girls back.  And just for the record...you do have to wear clothing there...it is not optional.  And no I did not try to find out otherwise.  Haha!  Oh goodness!  As we were driving we literally drove right into the clouds.  It was amazing...a little unnerving...but amazing!  (The unnerving part is having zero visibility and coming up on cars either with no lights on...or one car stopped in one of the many tunnels.  Geesh!)  Back to the "beautifulness".  Wow!  Even though you couldn’t see in parts it was pretty.  At one point we came into a clearing and the sun was peaking through on the mountains.  Kenny and I both were just like WOW!  We pulled over just to see how crisp everything looked.

I have always loved how things look after the rain.  It just kind of washes all the dirt and grime away.  The trees look fresh and clean.  I love it!  That’s how it was that day.  It was fresh and crisp on the other side of the rain and the clouds.  Up past Pisgah View, where you couldn’t see 2 cars in front of you by the way, past the Brevard turnoff.  Truly Amazing!

Sometimes storms seem to engulf us and we think the rain will never stop.  The lightning pops around us and the thunder sounds like it could take your house down.  I do love a good thunderstorm!  Especially lately though, it seems like there are just so many storms. Everyday there is a storm.  I drive home from work and it looks like there has been a tropical storm with all of the limbs and debris laying around.

The storms of life are no different really.  Man they can truly wreak havoc on a person.  And just when you think you can catch your breath and pick yourself up off the ground…BAM...another clap of thunder and the storms roll in again.  Sometimes we go through whole seasons of storms.  I honestly think my name could be April sometimes.  (April showers bring May flowers.)  I personally am ready for my name to be May!!  All the time!  Lol!

What about when all of that mess starts clearing?!  Does it begin to look more vivid for you?  Sometimes the storm in your life is over but you got a big old, ugly, black eye from that limb that smacked you square in the face when you weren’t looking.  It may take you a while to open your eyes and to even be able to see the clear trees against the skyline.  The crisp, clean leaves on the branches.  The blue sky in the background.  You might be hurt and don’t want to look.

As much as I love to sit and listen to a good thunderstorm roll in when I am at home...I hate them in my personal life.  I know we need the rain for the earth but I don’t want the refining storm that comes with life.  Personal storms hurt too much.  But we need to learn to look at it after the fact, with eyes wide open.  Now there are some that I am still waiting to see the “Why?” or the “Oh I get it!”  And unfortunately I may not ever see that. 

Storms are new beginnings.  Fresh starts.  Cleaning off of the dirt that builds up.  It is grace washed over you.  It is a “hey...my child...let’s get you rinsed off and cleaned up”.  It’s “you’ve been through some ugly stuff...now I am going to help you get that cleaned off.”  And when the storm is settled and you are sitting there tired...weary...from trying to stand on your own...the Father says...”let Me help you up.”  “Lean on ME!”

Now God is with you during the storm, I am not trying to say different.  I will say that sometimes we get so caught up in the storm that we don’t look for Him or at Him.

I know that I need to do better about looking to Him…and keeping my eyes on Him during my storms.  And I definitely need to run to Him when they are there and when they are over.  How about you?  How do you do when the storms are raging all around you?  Do you stay focused on Him?  Or do you get caught up in your storm?

I want to be better about seeing the crisp sky after my storm.  I want to be better about basking in the sun…and the son!  I want to be better about remembering to not be scared or nervous!  I want to be better about looking on in awe when the rains are so heavy and the thunder so loud!  I want…to feel and to know that I am safe!  THIS only comes from prayer and from spending time in His word.  Something else I need to be better at.  So easy to get caught up in the everyday crazy!

These are some verses that I go to…that I depend on.  I hope they help you too.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Matt. 11:28

An incredibly kind woman, Anne, gave me this next verse after my cousin passed away last year.  That year was already off to a miserable start and it was only March. When he died it literally sucked the wind out of me.  It was that branch that whopped me in the face so hard and gave me the biggest black eye.  Honestly, I think the branch had already hit by that point...and this was the whole tree coming down on me.

Even to your old age and gray hairs

I am He, I am He who will sustain you,

I have made you and I will carry you;

I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Isaiah 46:4

I have clung to this verse because to me it sums up what I just got really long winded about. Lol!  Oh now...there are days (more than I care to admit) when I am right back down on the ground laying underneath that tree trying to figure out how I got there and how on earth to get up.  I have patient friends.  Haha!  They have prayed for me, offered an ear over ice cream, taken me to lunch, given me countless hugs, and even offered to go all Ronda Rousey on someone for me.  ;)  Really good friends can help see you through…and point you in the direction of the one that can!

He will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed.  Deut. 31:8

He said to the, “why are you afraid, you men of little faith?”  Then He got up and rebuked the winds and the sea, and it became perfectly calm.  Matt 8:26

He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.  PS 107:29

And we know that in all thinks God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to His purpose.  Romans 8:28

When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand from forever.  Prov. 10:25

I pray you will look to Him during your storm!  I pray I will too!

Jumping...rather diving in here...H...B...2

Okay so...there is so much talk about the HB2 on social media..it is quite overwhelming.  I am not sure who I am going to irritate the most on here.  Yes, I have done my research and read up on both sides.  (Just putting that out there because I get accused of not doing that a lot.  Or at least people "like me" do.)  And for those that think I am not open minded...most of my reading was from sites I don't typical agree with.  Oh!  And please excuse my not so politically correctness.


So here is what I do know.  This bill is called House Bill 2 and the document states that it is:

"AN ACT TO PROVIDE FOR SINGLE-SEX MULTIPLE OCCUPANCY BATHROOM AND CHANGING FACILITIES IN SCHOOLS AND PUBLIC AGENCIES AND TO CREATE STATEWIDE CONSISTENCY IN REGULATION OF EMPLOYMENT AND PUBLIC ACCOMMODATIONS."

Let me take a moment right here.  Bills!!  Why do they have to be so long and wordy?!  Geesh, cut to the chase!  Oh, and why do we have to tack on fifteen things when we want one thing passed?  Never understood it or cared for it.  But I digress...

This bill, as with others, is long and tedious.  I won't bore you with the details, but feel free to go read the whole thing yourself:

http://www.ncleg.net/Sessions/2015E2/Bills/House/PDF/H2v4.pdf

I would merely like to point out that there really is more to it than letting a transgender go into your bathroom.  No really!  Did you know that a mom can't take her 8 year old son into the women's bathroom if she is out with him alone.  Yeah!!  It's true!  I just read it.

Exceptions include:

"For a minor under the age of seven who accompanies a person caring for that 4 minor."

So if you are 8....forgettaboutit!  Don't know about you but my husband didn't leave our 8 yr old daughter outside at a store when he had to pee.  Just sayin!

There is even stuff in here about minimum wage.  (Don't get me started on that as far as the national level is concerned.)  But, local gov't can't make a higher minimum wage than what the state has set.  Fine by me, I don't know how that effects me personally.  So a none issue for me.  But it's in there.

One other thing I find interesting though...you can no longer sue for discrimination in state court.  These types of lawsuits now must go to federal court...where (shockingly...jk) they are more expensive and there is a shorter period of time to file.  NC is already an "at will" employment state and there isn't anyone out there that really has protection.  You can pretty much be fired for any reason, at any time, almost without even knowing why.  There is just very limited protection in this area.  So yeah...that one kind of ruffles my feathers a bit.  That includes discrimination based on religion.  Which, just gonna be honest here, I don't feel very protected with my religious beliefs anyway.  This certainly doesn't help.

So I guess I sound like I am against this bill.  Ok so...I probably am.  If my only thing was to be mad about was the bathroom issue...well not sure I can jump on board there.  Think about it.  Does anyone honestly think a ban on the bathroom is going to keep a really twisted person from going in that bathroom to do bad things.  Nope!  I don't believe that anymore than I believe a ban on guns will keep an idiot from committing a crime or killing someone...WITH A GUN.  Yep...I totally just made that comparison.  This bill will not keep anyone safe from a pedophile or a rapist.  I am not going to argue which demographic is more perverted than the other.  I think we all have our share of cuckoos.  Just like every family has their share of crazy.


Please be for certain...I am  Christian and I am a conservative.  I don't necessarily agree with most of the LGBT community, I would imagine, on political issues.  I feel like I can say that somewhat confidently.  But wait...don't hear that I don't like them....I am saying we don't agree politically.  I like all people...well not mean people.  haha!  I would much rather have coffee with someone that doesn't agree with me politically than someone who claims to be a Christian that is full of hate.  Okay that is a lie...I hate coffee.  ;)


Which, if I may, takes me to another point.  Why can't we just sit down and talk like civil folk?  I mean there is so much hate spewed on social media on both sides.  (And not just about this topic.)  So much anger.  I am not going to get anywhere with anyone if I show anger, call them names, or be dismissive.  The other side is certainly not going to get anywhere with me if they are degrading, shouting, or angry either.


I care for everyone equally...and there are some I dislike equally.  lol!   Seriously though, I don't hate anyone.  I believe that as a human being I am allowed to believe how I want to believe BUT I need to be nice about it.  And so do they.  I don't always feel like I am given the same opportunity. 
And just in case you don't what I believe...here ya go.  And for me...it is the only thing that will matter in the end anyway.



So...I guess my point is this.  I don't believe this bill is going to keep a creeper out of my bathroom.  I don't believe this bill is going to protect my two daughters from that creeper either.  Creepers are gonna creep no matter what the law says.  (PS-that is why I carry a gun.)  I certainly don't want, what appears to be, a grown man in the woman's bathroom because he/she has girl parts.  If she looks like a dude...umm...not gonna lie...I am gonna think she is a dude and pitch a fit.

Last point.  And it is really meant to be tongue in cheek...so please don't get all pissy.  This is all probably started by a Trump campaign employee anyway...or an NC Trump supporter.  So Trump supporters...you win.  You successfully distracted the whole country while Trump made a clean sweep in the primaries yesterday!  Seriously!!  ;)

Bitter Pill to Swallow

Forgiveness...is definitely a bitter pill to swallow.  I guess that is shallow of me to admit...but man...it really is tough sometimes.

Now I'm NOT talking about those times when someone hurts you, or you have a disagreement with someone, and you both talk and work things out.  Nope, not those times.  Those times are going to happen.  And, they can actually be good.  You may learn something about yourself and/or grow....same can be true for the other person involved.  There is not one perfect person on this planet...and we all make mistakes and bad choices.  People are going to disagree.  And ya know what...that is ok!  Those times deserve forgiveness in my opinion.  They feel "legitimate" so to speak.  I feel like those give a disagreement or hurt a kind of "closure".

The times that are the hardest are the times when someone hurts you and there is no closure.  No apology from the other person.  No conversation to "clear the air".  Those times...wow those times...blah to those times!!

It is so very hard for me to want to forgive them.  I truly struggle with that.  I feel like that "let's them off the hook" so to speak.  Why should I do that?  Why would I do that?  Forgiving means that I have to be nice to them now.  Forgiving means I have to be nice to them now.  Forgiving means they don't have to "suffer".  They don't have to "pay" for what they did.  Right?  It means that what they did to me (or you) didn't matter.  My hurt (your hurt) doesn't matter.  Right?

Well while all of those things are true (for the most part).  They are true for our earthly flesh.  Those are things we tell ourselves....things the devil wants us to believe.

A few days ago I received a text from my friend Kim and she shared her devotion for the day with me.  (I won't post it all here because I don't know that I am allowed to do that...and I am not even sure of the devotional it came from to give credit.  I do know it was Wendy Pope though.)  This is my favorite line that she wrote:

"God was teaching me about forgiving others and requiring me to deal with

self-righteousness by having me live right in the middle of offenders."

I say favorite because it felt like she was talking right to me and I knew I wasn't alone.  She goes on to say that "forgiving others is a choice" and that basically, as I stated earlier, the devil likes for you to relive the hurt you felt and will continue to remind you of the hurt.  The more you remember that hurt or offense, the more you focus on it, the less likely you are to focus on forgiveness.


Oh forgiveness!  Here it comes!  God calls us to forgive those who have offended us...whether they ask for it or not.  Whether we feel like giving it or not.  Checkout The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant in Matthew 18: 21-35.

Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother

 when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you,

not seven times, but seventy-seven times."  Matthew 18:21-22

Yikes! SEVENTY-SEVEN??  Really?  Well there ya go!  Hmm...well I don't know about you but I have some work to do!  haha!  Oh but wait!  There is more!  In the story the servant refuses to forgive a debt even though his debt had been forgiven.  His master "turns him over to the jailers to be tortured."

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive

your brother or sister from your heart.  Matthew 18:35

Jesus is teaching us how our debts have been forgiven and we in turn need to forgive those that are indebted to us.  If we don't, it really is a slap in the face to The One that has forgiven us.


Today I saw a post from a friend of mine, Melody, about a funeral she had been to yesterday.  Her words struck me.  They go perfectly with how I feel.  It really is beautiful.

"It is so hard for we humans to forgive; It is a journey for us. Words and actions

hammered into our hearts can be so mean and hurtful that we can't find it in

ourselves to forgive easily. Yet God forgives us in an instant and etches

over the ugly with his own words. His own love."

This!  This takes away that bitterness.  God's words of love cover up those ugly words spoken by others.  Think about this as we head into Easter.  God sent his son to take on all of our sin, to bear that on the cross, and to set us free!  How can I not forgive when I have been given all of that?!  I have been given life!  So yes!  Yes forgiveness is painful at times.  But compared to the pain of the cross...there isn't a comparison!

If it's good...tell them!!

Well look at me...twice in one month!  ;)


I was talking with one of my teachers yesterday afternoon after classes were over.  We were just catching up really.  Things are always so nuts on Tuesdays that it is something that neither one of us get to do very often.  I would like to first that we have a lot of great teachers...all of our teachers actually.  Some I know better than others.  This particular teacher I have known since we started homeschooling and I absolutely adore her.  She is an inspiration as a homeschooling mom.  She has two grown children that are amazing!  She has been teaching with us for a very long time and she truly is one that loves to teach.


Many, many years ago she had gotten a complaint and it effected her so deeply that she did not teach the following year.  It is amazing what that can do to someone.  Those types of things can...sometimes...truly shake someone that has a heart for what they are doing...and what they feel God has called them to do.  It hurts your heart to hear those things.


She went on to say how over the years she had kept cards from her students.  Most of the time a teacher just gets a card that says "love so and so"...but occasionally they get a heart felt note expressing deep appreciation for their investment in that student's life.  A thank you note!  She told me how she will look through those from time to time and how good they make her feel.  How special those cards are to her.  What an awesome feeling that must be to know that you impacted someone in a special way.  That impact could be a year of teaching, an incident of extended grace, a shoulder to cry on, or any number of things.

Not all "incidents" need to be extensive or "life changing"...and it doesn't have to be a teacher either.  It could be anything, or anyone, that had an impact on you in a positive way.  A waiter that is super patient with your two year old.  Someone offers you a job when you are down on your luck.  It can be as simple as someone being kind to you. I could truly go on all day...but I think you get the point.


Too often we are wired to only comment or send an email when we are NOT happy.  Why?  Why not use our words for good.  Why not use our words to lift up...instead of tearing down.  (I'll come back to this in a moment.)


Now don't get me wrong, sometimes there is a need for constructive criticism.  But shouldn't we make sure we handle those situations the way God would want us to...and let's be honest...in an ethical manner?

I will be the first to admit...I am not the greatest at this either...I am not a fan of conflict.  Sometimes things in life can be a huge misunderstanding...and your conversation could be all that is needed to clear up that misunderstanding.  You don't know what kind of day that person was having...and they don't know what kind of day you were having.  

So now to the point...say thank ...to someone that matters!  Aren't we always teaching our kids to say thank you!  You never know what an impact your "thank you" will have.  Say it to the person!  Say it to their boss!  And say it to their boss's boss!  haha!  What if your waiter did 100 good things and only 1 bad (or perceived bad...because there are ALWAYS two sides to EVERY story).  That one "bad" thing may be the only thing his boss hears about.  Let's use our words to encourage and lift up others.

I am encouraging you today to tell someone when they have done a good job.  I am encouraging you to write a thank you note to someone that has been a shoulder to cry on if they caught you in a "moment".  Your friends are supposed to be there for you...the Lowe's guy...not so much!  :)  Tell Bob's boss how appreciative you are that Bob at Lowe's didn't freak out when you started crying on him....or how he played with your two year old why helping you pick out the perfect toilet seat.  That might be the only thank you that Bob gets in his "file".  Or heck send Bob a thank you note too so when someone loses it on him one day he can go to his locker and read your heart felt thank you note and remember what a good guy he is.  Anyone that has helped you in any way!  Even if you think it is insignificant to them.  Even if it was a year ago.  I plan on being better at this!  I hope you will too!

Can't do it alone!

Sooo....been a long time since I posted anything.  I hope that will change and I can do better at this and post more often.


I have always been a "no I got this", "I can do it alone", "nope I don't need any help" kind of girl.  I don't know why that is.  I could start making guesses as to why and I have a few really valid reasons I am sure, but none of those are really important.  I am just super independent.
I know my last post mentioned why I love trees so much.  If you haven't read it, I would love for you to check it out.  I have always loved paintings of a single tree on a hill...or off to the side of a pasture.  Trees make me happy.  It makes me think of that family tree that I love so much.  I mean come on....look at that picture!  Beautiful!!

Recently my brother in law had to have a sextuple bypass...rather unexpectedly.  And yes you read that correctly...SEXTUPLE!  That would be 6....count them....6!!!  He was only supposed to have a quadruple (4).  My sister and her husband's family and friends immediately rallied when they told everyone.  My mom and I drove out to help with my nieces and to be there for my sister and her husband as well.  I was beside myself with worry.  I trust the Lord entirely and know that His way is best...but it was so hard not to give in to that worry.  I am a doer and a fixer so I wanted to do anything and everything I could to help.  I would have preferred to make it just go away all together.  I had to "settle" for praying and just being there.

Surgery was a success and he is doing great!  It was blessing to see God move that day for him.  He is a great husband, father, and friend!  So thankful God heard our prayers and he is on the mend!


On our drive home from Arkansas we left just before dawn to avoid traffic on the way.  It was hard to leave but we needed to get back.  It always is difficult to say goodbye because that area just screams "home" to me and my family is there, but this time is was harder.  My girls were tired so they went straight to sleep and my mom dozed off as well.  I had some quiet time to just drive and reflect on our week.  The sun was coming up over the fields (lot of flat, farm area through there) and the trees.  I always feel like it is one of the most beautiful drives.  I really wish I could have taken a chance to take a picture of the sunrise.  This picture is from last June when we were headed home...so you get the idea.

As I was driving...watching the sun come up from behind the trees...I couldn't help but notice the families of trees.  The trees that were together...not the single trees...were just as beautiful and mesmerizing as my single tree on the hill.  Those trees were huddled together on the side of a field or surrounding a family cemetery.  The sun...The Son...was showing me something I had been missing. He wanted me to see them with Him shining through in the background.  For me, it was just a visual of what I had been experiencing that week.  We need family.  We need people in our lives that speak truth to us.  We are not made to function alone.  He has designed us in that we shine the best when we are surrounded by family.

Whether your family comes together for you in times of need to pray, give up a day of work to come sit with you, cook a meal, love on your kiddos, change a flat, listen for hours at your struggles...or the many other things that they could do...that is what God's design for you us is.  Community!  The great thing about that is...sometimes we are blessed for that family to include friends.  And in some cases friends are our family.  I am thankful I have a great mix of both!  We can't do this alone!  Thankfully I don't have to and I hope you don't either.

I leave you with these:

(I love the different versions of this verse!)

"A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need. "  Prov. 17:17 (NLT)

"A friend loves at all times..."  Prov 17:17 (NIV)

"Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble. " (MSG)

"And let us consider and give attentive, continuous care to watching over one another, studying how we may stir up (stimulate and incite) to love and helpful deeds and noble activities".  Hebrews 10:24 (AMP)