A picture is worth a thousand words

I worked late tonight, later than I have been.  I called Lola on the way home to chat and I told her "oh hey, tomorrow is picture day". No biggy right?! Well we hung and I got to thinking, TOMORROW is picture day.  Tomorrow...it's PICTURE day.  Tomorrow is picture day.  What I should say is...tomorrow is picture day without Kenni. :(

Ever since we have been doing homeschool and doing pictures at classes (ya know....like normal school kids..lol), we have done a picture with all three of us girls.  The girls were always dressed the same.  Same color, or same shirt in a different color, same.  I always tried to find something in the same color scheme as well. So cheesy, I know!  lol!  We loved it though.  That is one of the great things about our group.  We could run up to the picture room and all three of us hop in for a pictutre together and I would get ones with just the two of them. The three musketeers.  The older they got, the girls still matched and I still tried to squeeze in at least one quick picture with them.  Oh they would hesitate a bit...but I know they loved it. haha!

Tomorrow, however, is a different story.  Tomorrow, Lola and I will do a picture without Kenni.  So tonight it dawned on me...that yeah....tomorrow we will do a picture without Kenni.  It didn't help, that I also realized that it has been a month since I got to hug her.  A whole month without just...just hugging her.  So yeah...don't mind me...just going to wallow around in my self-pity for a minute.  haha!

Adventures in Missions has a parent ministry to help parents adjust to all that is going on with their racer.  One of the things they do is what they call Launch, it is the weekend that the racers leave and you go drop them off.  They offer sessions to the parents and joint worship time with your racer.  It is two days of time and then you say goodbye.
While we were at Launch, one of the things they told us as parents was:  "the worst thing that you can do for your racer, is to be in the same place when they get back as you are when they left".  One of the worst things that I can do is to stay where I am.  To not move forward in my relationship with God and to not grow while she is gone.
I haven't been doing that.  Just gonna be honest.  I am still kind of grieving a bit.  I realize that that has to sound incredibly disrespectful to someone that has literally lost a child, spouse, or anyone close in their life.  I don't mean it that way.  I know that I will get to see her again and that this will end, but right now I just miss her.
I know that she does not want me to be sad. And truthfully, I have done way better than I ever thought I would do. I have some great friends that I know are praying for me.  I can feel that.  I know that I would not be doing as well without those prayers.
So those pictures of cute kiddos dressed alike with their hair fixed special...those pictures are great memories. Tomorrow we have to start a new memory and I need to start moving forward to.  I don't want her to get too far ahead of me, ya know.  haha!  Every time I feel sad or bummed that she is missing a tradition, I need to use that time to focus on moving forward.  I don't want to be sitting here, in this same spot when she returns.  I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to be better.

Stop praying for God to use your kids!

Yes! You read that right!  Stop praying for God to use your kids!!  UNLESS of course you really mean it!  Hear me out!

When your kids are little you (Christian parents) pray for them: their safety, that they will make good choices, be kind, meet and marry a nice Christian man/woman, and "for God to 'use' them" somehow.  (The list could go on for days.) Those are all great and wise prayers.  Then your child starts growing up.

One day, after years of talking about it, our young (YOUNG) teenager comes to us and begs us to go on a mission trip. "You are 12 honey!  But that is just so cute!  Look at her honey, she wants to go on a mission trip.  We should let her go...I mean with one of us of course."  Next year..."mommy can we go back?"  She has been bitten by the bug! (Err...the Holy Spirit that is.)  You are just super proud that they would want to spend time serving.  Reaching out to un-reached (and under-reached) people.

Fast forward a bit.  It's senior year.  We are checking out colleges, doing the visits, narrowing down to the best one that fits where she is wanting to be and what she is wanting to be.  You start to see that this little person...is not really little.  She is actually going to leave me to go live with other people's little persons and go to school there.  She won't be at my house anymore, eating all my groceries or leaving messes everywhere.  But she also won't be piling up on my couch to watch TV with me, running errands with me just so we can talk, or coming to me with what happened to her that day.  You just gotta give up and decide...ya know what...I can jump in the car and drive a couple of hours if I miss her. Or, we can go for a weekend and watch a football game together.  I can do this!  I got this!  Home on some weekends and definitely holidays.  Shwoo!  Crisis averted!  I can do this!

Dangit!! And if that wasn't going to be hard enough...the little rascal throws me a curve ball and says "hey mom, I heard about this thing called the World Race.  I want to do that next year."  I say: "What?  You want to what?  Umm...I don't think you can do a race around the world (the show on TV) and ya know...do stuff to win.  Sorry babe, I don't want to kill your dream but no.  You are not cut out for that sweetie."  Yeah that is not the race she was talking about.  haha!

And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?"  Then I said, "Here I am! Send me." 
Is 6:8

So now!  Here I sit telling you not to pray for God to use your kids. Why? Because I haven't hugged my girl in 5 days.  Because it is hard!  Because she is going to third world countries without an adult....BECAUSE SHE IS THE ADULT!!  Because! Because!  Let me tell you right now, it is not for the faint of heart.  Even with all of the technology that we have today the separation is gut wrenching.  I am just being truthful!

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you adn I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. 
Is 46:4

BUT!!  But then I see pictures of her being the best her!  I see a message from her about how amazing this journey is so far.  I read her recently updated blog and see how God is already moving in her.  Man!  Fine!  She wins!  She is EXACTLY where God wants her to be.  No matter what!  (Geesh that is SO hard to say!)  NO MATTER WHAT!!!!  No matter what happens, she really is where God wants her to be.  She will be able to meet people and tell them about Jesus by being an example of what Jesus looks like.  Teaching English, building things, cleaning things, helping who knows who, doing who knows what!  And I can honestly say to you...don't pray for God to use your kids in a mighty way...if you are not ready for Him to take you seriously.  Because trust me!  He will use them!  And although that might look like something in your neighborhood or across town.  Heck it might even be in another state. Or it might be something that looks like your precious little one traveling to four different countries over a nine month period.

And in case you have not figured it out yet!  I really do want you to pray big things for your kiddos.  Truly I do.  But more importantly, I want you to also pray for God to prepare YOU for what that is.  Pray that He would prepare YOU for that empty feeling you have when you walk by your child's bedroom.  Pray that He would go before your little one (actually big now) and prepare a multitude of opportunities for them to share His love for people.  Pray for your heart to be filled with all the love, joy, and peace that can only come from Him.  He will give you that!  You will be sad and miss your kiddo if they head off to the other side of the world...but there will be a peace that is only explained by Him.  I talk big!  ;) lol!

With His love He will calm all your fears. 
Zeph 3:17

A sweet friend told me last week:  "Just remember that there were once 9 months of Kenni Grace's life when you couldn't see her, but you knew she was there and growing."  Another dear friend confirmed that same thought to me just days later.  Wow!  How true is this!
When we were pregnant with Kenni, we didn't find out what she was.  We also didn't do any of the testing to see if there were any things we needed to be "concerned" about. We didn't care.  We just wanted "the baby" here.  Of course we prayed for a healthy baby, but we were trusting Him and going to take what He gave us.  So for these nine months we are holding on to that same trust we had 18 years ago.  I can't "see" her (other than social media).  I can't touch or hold her.  In nine months we will have her here. In our arms and home again.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
Ps 139:13-14